For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off
-Johnny Carson-

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
-Mark Twain-

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen-

To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance
-Oscar Wilde-

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
-Dean Martin-

Jerry Ford is a nice guy but he played too much football with his helmet off.
-Lyndon Baines Johnson-

Sometimes when I look at my children I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin."
- Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy and Billy Carter-

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat,and steal. He's always had an agent for that.
-Bob Hope-

Nolan Ryan is pitching much better now that he has his curve ball straightened out.
-Joe Garagiola-